11/11/12

               Compelled by time and experiences, I believe am tougher and stronger. For so long and with so much pride I convinced myself that it was a good thing until today. Today's incident perhaps is just a channel of showing how benumb I am. What I thought I was stung me when my friend and I were drawn into a situation where no one would think it would happen. She's not really good in hiding her feelings while I was so surprised how I withstand the situation.
               How long have I been living like this? When did I stop appreciating things around me? How long I am living in this bubble? All I know is I mastered to hold my tears. Does it also mean I already stop caring and loving? I think I just overrated what does carefree means.             
               Memories of what I used to be kept surging on my mind. I remembered those times where I was overloaded with affection. Those days where I cried over petty stuffs, where I used to make a big deal over small things. How I appreciated daily small talks with friends. Moments where handkerchiefs were one of my bestfriends (I can't even imagined how I survived every single day without crying). Suddenly I just missed the old me, the feeble me.
                Things happens when we least expected but lessons should be learned.
             
               

Just Saying...

               Nobody told me that if I've reached my late twenties almost everybody would be nagging me in getting into a relationship. From my siblings, relatives, colleagues, acquaintances and tormentors of them all are my friends. At any given chance they will remind me of it. Cupid must be threaten by them 'cause they will draw arrows with every men they can see or meet just for me to have a pair. I don't know if I would be grateful or be annoyed of what they are doing but as the day goes by I developed the immunity. If only as easy as 1,2,3, all I have to do is to choose from their list.

               I ain't no princess and I'm not looking for prince charming nor a knight in shining armor. All I want is someone that won't make me check the mirror every now and then, someone who won't let go of my hands, someone who'd be willing to embrace my pasts and who's brave enough to grow old with me. The catch is, he shouldn't be younger than me. Eyebrows raised? Can't blame you. This criteria of mine brought me to a lot of discussions and even arguments.

               Maybe because I was convinced that men develops their level of emotional maturity later than women. I don't know if there's a scientific evidence for this but it could be true based on stories and testimonies I've heard from other people but I'm open to the idea that they aren't. Some say we just have different interest from each other so we misunderstood men as childish. As I'm writing, I'm trying to look for a better definition of "maturity" that would convince me that men are really behind women in terms of it but I can't find one. So let me define maturity in layman's term. It is the ability of one person to decide, judge or perceive things independently in timely manner. I might be misguided but I think most men don't have that unless they are past their 30's :). 

               Aside from the above idea, I guess being the eldest was the greatest factor why I prefer men not less than my age. I was expected though not oblige to take good care of my younger siblings. I have to make sure that they are always okay and I got this feeling that their future lies on my hand. This has been the set-up until recently where I can say I've done my part and it's time for them to spread their own wings and discover what was prepared for them. Just now I realized how tired I am caring for someone else (no offense meant for my siblings...they know how much I love them). All I'm trying to say is, I guess it's time for me to upkeep myself. I recognize that getting into a relationship would be one of the inevitable part of it and engaging myself to a man younger than me is like to me baby sitting my younger brother. That idea sucks! All I want is someone who would reciprocate or better yet do more than anything that I do. From the care, love, attention, affectionate, etc... All I want is someone who can unleash the devil in me and I have this fright that a man younger than me can't do it unless someone would prove me wrong. I want a friend, a partner not a brother...
               In contradictory to all I have said, I believe that love is a learned feeling. All it takes is time. No criteria, no buts, no ifs 'cause you can't say no to destiny. It's just like fitting a ring. If it's not your perfect size then only two things will happen. Either you'll lost it or struggle in pain just to fit in in your finger.

We Called it Friendship

It was just confirmed that my duty was rescheduled and I can't go back to sleep so I decided to write something. It's been a while since I wrote something to my page and I've been thinking to change the title to "The Monthly Assessment" instead...just kidding. Though I attempted to write one but haven't come with a good product. A vast of ideas floods up but words just can't seem to be organized. Maybe because I don't have enough inspiration to do one 'til last night. Just can't imagine how a simple dinner had turned us crazy. Still enjoying the hangover...the dishes, the mess and the left overs...lol

It's been our practice here in the sandpit to host a meal, whoever at that time is not on duty and when almost everybody is available for it. I guess it's just one of the few things that you can do when you are in a place where there are no bars to drink out your problem, no alcohol to sedate your emotions, no cinemas to kill time, no relatives to hang out with or just there were no things you used to enjoy at home. Anyway, I hosted last night dinner and everybody was present and when I say everybody,  everybody who were available not excluding some of our friends who are on duty. Meal was not even sophisticated, I believe this is where the saying "it's the thought that counts" applies.

So, one by one they came. Myra, Kaye, Eds then Ana then Athena and Czarina...just Angel more and we were complete, I guess Angel has the busiest unit from all of them. I should know because Eds and I works in the same unit :) While waiting, everybody got to do their unassigned chores, I just assumed they have chores 'cause you can see everybody's doing something. Somebody's opening the fridge, one preparing the table, the other one was cooling the drinks (what's new, it's Pepsi), one preparing the sauce, some were munching chips while I do my uniforms (have I mentioned earlier that I'm the host). Myra and Athena then saw that my fried tofus were not enough so they have to get a pack or two from their accommodation. I just realized how voracious everybody was with tofu. Nah, the girls are really insatiable. Since Anna is pregnant, we were not able to wait for Angel. So far, that's the most logical reason I came up for not waiting for her.

After dinner, we get back to our appetizer...kulitan, harutan at asaran. Can't imagine how our small house accommodated all our noises. Finally, Angel came, ate and I asked her to set up the videoke but everybody disagreed 'cause they were so engrossed with the teleseryes but I was so persistent... I told you I'm the host :) With our soothing voice...ehem we kinda disturbed the neighborhood. I guess the mint tea had helped a lot. We don't know what's with it but it made us excessively active. We were actually waiting for patrol thinking they might have reported us. Thank God they were lullabyed by our songs. I'm so proud my girlfriends were talented, we got to sing a lot of songs...does choruses counts as a song? Maybe. In the middle of the fun somebody called so hiyawan, kantiyawan tapos tawanan na naman. Basically that's what happen most of the night. Later, Ruby came from her dinner date, sang few songs with us and helped us do some aftercare. As much as we wanted to spend the whole night with each other, we have to part ways because Myra has a duty. Just so lucky I was rescheduled.

It was really a great night. We have spent it with people we call friends. I was once asked why I'm friend with one of the girls yet we don't have a common ground. I just shrugged my shoulders and told her that birds don't need to have the same color to flock together. All we need is the superpower to understand where that person is coming from and from that, build your common ground. It doesn't need a lot of common interests but a strong foundation. Yeah, we talk behind our backs, we disagree on some things and we even hate some of the decisions one or two of us makes but we made sure that person knows. It's funny sometimes when you have to informed the absentee. Hey, we're talking about you here and she would say, I know (and she understand). Friends are somebody who understands you even without saying a word. You just stare to each other then you laugh, cry or swear. It's somebody who you can be crazy with, without inhibitions. Somebody who can tell you the most hurtful word that anybody can't say but stays when you are hurt. A very short word but many definitions. It only means that friendship maybe associated with love. You'll never understand until you're into it.

A Sister's Wish

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


I wish we were younger, maybe one or two
Then, I'll hold your hand as you leap and go
I could have been temperament
As we have our arguments

I wish I could turn back time
Hold the moment where everything's fine
When tyranny is not in my vocabulary
Thank God, you keep everything in array

I wish fairies and genies does exists
With their magic dust that grants your wishes
But shooting stars aren't up tonight
I guess wishes aren't in height

All I have to do then is to look up high
Pray for you and family a fruitful and blissful life
And as you grow wiser and track your path
Remember we're here and distance can't tear us apart

I just wish that God grant all your heart desires...

      

Long Distance Relationship

                Heart problems seems to be one of the most bankable stories overseas. Blame it to long distance relationship. There is no single day that you won't hear any (exaggerated? ok make it weekly then). Sad thing is, it keeps repeating itself. Similar reasons, similar situations, similar events, similar scenarios and similar reactions. Not to mention almost similar approach...giving chances to the one who wronged them. For sure you will tell me chances are endless if you are in love but how many chances you should exhaust before you say it's over?

               As any different life changing events, we go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (DABDA).

               Call it biased or feminism but this article is intended for women. i acknowledged that men goes through break-ups and grieving but I don't have enough data to speak for them. Besides, the reason I came up to this is because women tend to dwell on the denial stage for a very long time...a week maybe acceptable but months and years are different stories. The guy is already enjoying and you on the other hand is in the corner crying.No offense meant but you are blinded with your own tears. 

               I know I'm in no position to advise neither to talk about love but mind you, I have seen and heard a lot of people hurt by break-ups. For that, I want to share my ideas on WHEN TO DRAW THE LINE.

          1. Your instinct tells you so. Yeah, I know you're good in ignoring it. "I want to see it with my                    own two eyes....I want him to tell me personally...The girl is just a flirt...He cheated just once...blah blah blah. REASONS! Can't you see you're the one giving reasons for him!?

          2. Suddenly he gets busy.

          3. He is now keeping secrets from you. Remember the times when he informs you every move he makes? When you can still access his account? When he needs approval for a new friend? Now he has a new account and you're not on it.

          4. You texted a paragraph and he replied "k", "gtg", "gb", "lol"....no more details.

          5. Ignores you. Forgot important dates.

          6. I Love You is no longer the end of conversation.

          7. Out of the blue a friend asks you if you and him are ok. Believe me that friend knows something. Interrogate!

          8. He is doing things you hate him doing.

          9. Accusing you of having an affair. Unless you are?

          10. He is insinuating for break-ups. Have you heard of: "Give me some break. I just need a space. It's not you it's me. I want to find myself. If we are meant to be then love will find a way." enough with the drama.

               These are just few of the many signs or clues of a relationship falling apart. I know there's no such thing as a perfect relationship and you will even tell me, "it make us stronger." Okay, fine! Work it out. But always remember, once is enough, two is too much and three is a poison. Don't waste your time with the wrong person 'cause you're giving chance to the right person to go with the wrong person also.

               Learn how to let go or would I say walk away 'cause the other person has let go of you already. Move on.

I'll be with you....

May first when I first dreamt of you

Since then I can't stop thinking of you

Suddenly I was captivated by you

Hoping that one day I'll be with you.

But at the depths of my soul I'm asking God

Why oh why Lord? This is so sudden...

Without seeing each other for fourteen years

Now, is this really happening to me?

I didn't imagine that this day will come

Day that my heart to beat so fast again

Whenever I see you in my screen

I can't help but smile and say a little prayer.

Yes, we oceans and mountains apart.

But you already catch my heart.

Is it possible that we'll see face to face one day?

That, I surrender it all to God who is in control.

Yes! I do believe in miracles

I believe that on that special day

We will see each other

God is working out and I'm so excited!

Higher are His ways than our ways

I know God is working in my heart and same as yours

Everything will be beautiful in His time

And when that perfect day comes I'll be saying to you...

Yes! I'm here and be with you for the rest of my life.

(This poem is an original composition of my friend Rhena)

For you Father

Growing old, all I think is thyself

Unintentionally put you in a shelf

Made only "I" as my world

I forgot you're also growing old

As I look at you today with keen

Your facade can't disguise this life has been

Every line of your wrinkles seems to have story

Some to me is not a secret or mystery

For all the heartaches and fears I've witnessed

For a while it made your world ceased

Perhaps you thought I don't care

But loosing you is my fear

Without you I would not be this tough

Proud to say not from your callused hands

Instead toughened by values you've shared

Even the strongest man can't steal

 You don't need to be affectionate nor say 

To prove that you care and love me

Cause I know you're a man of few words

Your actions and unspoken words had said it all

By ranking you're not number one

For you are the only man

Grateful to be the daughter

Of a typical doting father

 Annoyed by the alarms today in the hospital 'cause nobody's attending when an idea pop into my mind:

ALARMS are irritating but they were designed to remind us that something's wrong

 with the parameters we've set. Just like GOSSIPERS...so don't ignore them.

Lesson: People don't simply talk behind your back. Try to assess yourself 'cause they might be talking       

             about you for a reason. Learn from it but don't dwell on it...

          Leaving home is one of the major steps that anyone could do. Some leave for their education, some for work, some for marriage, some for independence and some just to distance themselves from pressure at home.

          Personally, I left home for work. At first I was excited and pre-occupied on many things that I want to do independently. Actually, leaving home for me was an achievement. That was the time when I was trying myself that I'm adventurous, that I love challenge and above all, that I'm a strong person. For sure I'm a strong person (still convincing myself). ;) Until reality sets in.

          Airport. After my uncle drop me off, every inch of my body fluttered but since I'm a strong person, I composed myself and go with the flow. Passed by the scanner and queued to check-in my 10kgs overweight luggage (I guess the crew noticed how anxious I am so he just accepted it). I guess that was it when the guard lead me to a longer queue. Thirty minutes later, I was face to face with the immigration officer. Handed her my passport and OEC (Overseas Employment Certificate), asked me Php750. She was about to return my documents when another noticed something and whispered to her. To may aghast, with strong resentment she gave back my money then told me, "Hindi ka ba nagbabasa? Do'n ang pila ng mga OFW"! (Weren't you reading? Line for OFW is on that side)! Oooppps, sorry was I able to say. While on the right line I saw a post saying something like: passengers should not malign nor insult immigration officers 'cause it's punishable by the law. How about vice versa? I've witnessed a lot worser scenario.

          Moving on. Airplane. Surrounded by strangers almost choked me. All I have to do then was to sleep, eat and sleep again for 9 long hours. Oh, I failed to mention our 1 hour stop over in Hongkong (one of the strictest airport I've been with). Technically, nothing happened.

          King Khalid International Airport, Riyadh KSA. Anxiety attacks. Believe me I'm not a super duper religious person however I managed to call every saints I've known. If you only know all the negative things I've heard regarding Saudi then you would understand (I'll tackle this on my next blogs). It wasn't bad after all.

          I managed to attend the general orientation the next day, introduced to my unit after a week, survived my 3 months probation and now, almost on my 3 years.

          To be continued...

Disoriented Me

It's not the supper, it's not the "night care" nor the prayer. If there's something I missed last night was to prepare myself for today's activities. As a result:

            1. I woke up at 0530, was supposed to iron my uniform when I realized I'm off
                duty.

            2. At 1130 still in lethargy, arose by a cry of a cat sounding like a baby (scary).

            3. Went directly to the kitchen to prepare my "brunch".

            4. Went back to my bedroom 'cause I forgot to do my morning care.

            5. Back to the kitchen to found out the kettle is burning 'cause it's out of water.

            6. 1220 my viand is ready but the rice pot is empty.

            7. Went outside to shrug off the jinx in me when I saw this still running: 

            

               I guess it's not only me who is disoriented today...might as well the gardener.

             8. Prepared myself to bake muffins when I found out I run out of baking cups.

             9. I forgot to drink my coffee :(

Amazingly I didn't forget to watch Eat Bulaga! In a way it brought me back to my function.

Anyway, whichever side of the bed you woke up always find something to get you back in track for everyday is a beautiful thing that God made for us to cherish. Have a great day!

    

THE PRAYER

Today I thank with joy

For the world's beauty I can enjoy

On bended knee I pray,

That You'll grant my heart serenity.

For all the blessings I praise Thee

For all the sins pardon me

For all the trials I surrender all

All my praises I lift it up proud and tall.

As the day goes I ask Your Holy name

To bless this thought in vain

So I may discern good from evil

And act according to Your will. 

Let this tongue speak only the truth

Utter words that lift one's spirit

Cursing would be nowhere to entertain

And not to use Your name in vain.

Bless these eyes so I may see

Amazing things You have prepared for me

Teach me to look forward with positivity

And not to dwell on the past's negativity.

Provide this heart all the love and goodness

So I can share Your word with gladness

Judgement and jealousy wouldn't be an ease

Hope by these, the world be at peace.

Make this pair of hands an instrument

To touch and lightens anyone's ailment

Not to cause any burden or pain

Nor use its power for position or greed.

Guide these feet not to run away

Rather to humble thyself for responsibility

Without hesitation "kicks out" his brother's trespasses

And together they'll walk to Your righteousness. 

Amen.

Consider Yourself Lucky

           It is so hard to understand children nowadays. One incident from my vacation hit me. We were having breakfast then, when one of my cousins (got lots of them), my 10 year old cousin considered to be the oldest of them left her plate 2 or 3 spoonfuls of food. I and her mother asked her to get back and finish her food. Gentle at first, then as minutes passed by, the tone of our voices hit the limit. Unfortunately, we ended up "fighting" resulting for her to threw her food. I was so pissed off that time so I came up scolding her. Regarding children begging for food, children scavenging for food or worst children dying from hunger. From behind, my youngest sister said, "consider yourself lucky". 

             From that time onwards, that word "consider yourself lucky" was reused and abused. Every move of our younger cousins are being scrutinized. When they're so picky on their clothes....consider yourself lucky for you have something to keep you warm and lots also to wear on different occasions, some have none. When they refused what was served on the table....consider yourself lucky for you're eating three meals a day and with snacks in between even, unlike others who are malnourished, worst-dying from hunger. When they don't want to sleep early...consider yourself lucky for you are having enough rest. When they preferred computer games rather than scanning their notes...consider yourself lucky for you were given the opportunity to study; some children have to work, they have no time to scan their notes. When they reason out....consider yourself lucky for you have an adult to supervise you; some have no parents to guide them. When they are so hardheaded on their parents....consider yourself lucky that you have them. When they ill wishes upon the star....consider yourself lucky that they still love you. Literally, every action they've done has a corresponding consider yourself lucky that...that...that...

               Now I was wondering, are they really lucky? I think saying consider yourself lucky is just another way of saying "do this, do that." I'm pretty sure every parent or guardian wants their children to take the right path. Also, they claim that they are doing the right thing. It's what's best for them they say. Well, nothing to disagree with it. Who wants their children to be a sociopath anyway?

               Children are not small adults. They perceive, understand and rationalize things differently. So maybe we should consider to let our children be children. Allow them to be careless, for in that way, they will learn to be careful; to scream, for them to learn the beauty of silence; to play unlimited, for them to value time; to mess themselves in order for them to appreciate cleanliness or tidiness , to fight with the elders once in a while to recognize respect; to break the rules to earn responsibility; to stumble simply to  acknowledge failure then success; to be hurt, to cherish love and most of all to be alone, to recognize the presence of God. Although it may not be the way you wanted it, allow them to discover themselves, in that sense, you discover them also.

              As they enjoy their childhood, don't forget to be their parents or guardian. Be there to guide, to encourage, to lift their spirits, to boost their self-esteem, to protect, to teach and to nurture them.

              But of course the last choice is still for you to make. Happy parenting!